Saturday, January 31, 2009
No Regrets - Day 2
Today's Question:
If you were certain your life as you know it would end in a few weeks, what would be your biggest regret?
Sadly, it would be the fact that I have spent so much of the last decade focusing on my weight. Being upset about it, being depressed about it, allowing it to determine what I can and cannot do; allowing it to affect my marriage, my emotions, my health, my activity level.
If I had invested all the time I spent obsessing about my weight actually doing something about it, I would be a size 0. Not that I want to be a size 0. I just want to be healthy and happy and feel good about myself. I think that I have allowed myself to become so self-defeating in my internal dialogue. I've convinced myself that I will always be this weight, that there is nothing I can do about it, that it's out of my control.
And that's simply not true. The truth is I make decisions, small ones, every day that keep me where I am. The truth is that I choose to stay how I am because it's easier than changing. Yes, losing weight would require a tremendous amount of committment and work. Yes, I would have to deny myself somethings that I like. Yes, I'd have to exercise even though I don't enjoy it.
But all that can't be as hard as this. It can't be harder than knowing my kids aren't going to have pictures of me in their childhood because I hate how I look in pictures. It can't be harder than knowing that every time my husband looks at me, there is disappointment in his eyes. It can't be harder than the shame I feel.
So I want to stop obsessing about the weight and actually start doing something about it. I KNOW all that I need to do. I know it all. Doing it is the problem. But even if I make a few choices every day that are better than the choices I've made in the past, I'll come out ahead. I'm not promising anything. I'm not going to tell myself I will work out an hour a day. I'm not saying I'm swearing off soda and snacks.
But what I want to do is when I find myself beating myself up, I want to make the conscious choice to take that time to build myself up instead.
If you were certain your life as you know it would end in a few weeks, what would be your biggest regret?
Sadly, it would be the fact that I have spent so much of the last decade focusing on my weight. Being upset about it, being depressed about it, allowing it to determine what I can and cannot do; allowing it to affect my marriage, my emotions, my health, my activity level.
If I had invested all the time I spent obsessing about my weight actually doing something about it, I would be a size 0. Not that I want to be a size 0. I just want to be healthy and happy and feel good about myself. I think that I have allowed myself to become so self-defeating in my internal dialogue. I've convinced myself that I will always be this weight, that there is nothing I can do about it, that it's out of my control.
And that's simply not true. The truth is I make decisions, small ones, every day that keep me where I am. The truth is that I choose to stay how I am because it's easier than changing. Yes, losing weight would require a tremendous amount of committment and work. Yes, I would have to deny myself somethings that I like. Yes, I'd have to exercise even though I don't enjoy it.
But all that can't be as hard as this. It can't be harder than knowing my kids aren't going to have pictures of me in their childhood because I hate how I look in pictures. It can't be harder than knowing that every time my husband looks at me, there is disappointment in his eyes. It can't be harder than the shame I feel.
So I want to stop obsessing about the weight and actually start doing something about it. I KNOW all that I need to do. I know it all. Doing it is the problem. But even if I make a few choices every day that are better than the choices I've made in the past, I'll come out ahead. I'm not promising anything. I'm not going to tell myself I will work out an hour a day. I'm not saying I'm swearing off soda and snacks.
But what I want to do is when I find myself beating myself up, I want to make the conscious choice to take that time to build myself up instead.
Friday, January 30, 2009
No Regrets
Last week at church we were all given a copy of the book, One Month to Live, by Kerry & Chris Shook. We have a guest speaker this week and next who is going to be discussing the book and the effects it could have on our lives.
It's a day-by-day kind of book. Each day's reading ends with a few questions to help you think about how to apply what you've read. I'm not going to be able to consolidate each day's reading for you, but I do want to pick one of the questions each day - something meaningful to me - and share the question and my response. It will be not only for your benefit, but mine as well as I'll be able to go back and look at the decisions I've made and thoughts I've processed. So here's day 1's question:
As quickly as possible, without thinking too hard or too long, make a list of five things you'd change about your life if you knew you only had a month to live. Choose at least one thing to begin changing today, right now.
1. I would stop hating myself because of what I weigh. I would realize there are better ways to spend my precious time.
2. I wouldn't worry about the small things, like if Hubby drops his dirty laundry on the floor rather than in the hamper or if my children don't put away the dishes in the right place.
3. I would spend more time with God.
4. I wouldn't waste so much of my time watching tv.
5. I would make sure to laugh every day.
So that's it. No elaboration. No long speech. Just the question and answer, every day. I'm going to post them all under the label "No Regrets," just so I can find some motivation when I'm starting to slip back into old habits. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the questions, so feel free to either post them here in the comments or if you do it on your blog, let me know!
It's a day-by-day kind of book. Each day's reading ends with a few questions to help you think about how to apply what you've read. I'm not going to be able to consolidate each day's reading for you, but I do want to pick one of the questions each day - something meaningful to me - and share the question and my response. It will be not only for your benefit, but mine as well as I'll be able to go back and look at the decisions I've made and thoughts I've processed. So here's day 1's question:
As quickly as possible, without thinking too hard or too long, make a list of five things you'd change about your life if you knew you only had a month to live. Choose at least one thing to begin changing today, right now.
1. I would stop hating myself because of what I weigh. I would realize there are better ways to spend my precious time.
2. I wouldn't worry about the small things, like if Hubby drops his dirty laundry on the floor rather than in the hamper or if my children don't put away the dishes in the right place.
3. I would spend more time with God.
4. I wouldn't waste so much of my time watching tv.
5. I would make sure to laugh every day.
So that's it. No elaboration. No long speech. Just the question and answer, every day. I'm going to post them all under the label "No Regrets," just so I can find some motivation when I'm starting to slip back into old habits. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the questions, so feel free to either post them here in the comments or if you do it on your blog, let me know!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Driving in Doha
Ok, so I know I may have complained about the driving here in Doha. I've seen things that have made me laugh and have shocked me into silence. Well, someone actually made a little video of what a typical intersection in Doha is like. Take a look.
Now do you see what I mean?!?! And I would have to disagree with the filmaker that this is the "worst intersection in Doha." They are all pretty much the same.
I'm convinced that God sent me to live in Doha in response to my decades-long prayer to give me more patience. There is no place I've ever been that has caused me to exercise patience more than here!
Edited to add: I just noticed after watching it again something very normal. At about 55 seconds in watch for the white van in the lower left corner. He makes at 78 point turn (or so) and then ends up going exactly where he was in the first place!!
Now do you see what I mean?!?! And I would have to disagree with the filmaker that this is the "worst intersection in Doha." They are all pretty much the same.
I'm convinced that God sent me to live in Doha in response to my decades-long prayer to give me more patience. There is no place I've ever been that has caused me to exercise patience more than here!
Edited to add: I just noticed after watching it again something very normal. At about 55 seconds in watch for the white van in the lower left corner. He makes at 78 point turn (or so) and then ends up going exactly where he was in the first place!!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Catch Up Time
Whew!! I feel like the last 5 days or so I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off! From the time we got the news that the kids had both gotten a seat at the school, we've been going non-stop trying to prepare them.
First there were the school supplies to buy. Going by the school-supplied list, we hit store after store trying to round everything up. When it was all said and done, we had more than two laundry baskets full of stuff and our wallets were quite a bit lighter!
Then there were the last minute academic things to stress with them, the emotional and social "tips," the lectures about choosing friends wisely and standing true to the values they hold.
On Sunday we went in and met with the middle school counselors to work out the kids' schedules. They've got some great classes on their schedules and are looking forward to beginning classes next week.
This week, however, is a whole other matter. This week has been like going to camp almost! Emily's group is working on a photography project and has been going all over Doha - the zoo, a boat ride, the souq (a traditional Arab market), museums, etc. Daniel's group has been doing "culture-building." They are divided into teams and each team is creating a culture from scratch - complete with music, religion, art, daily life, etc. Today I dropped him off for the culmination of the week, an overnight campout on the beach. He was so excited!!
Both kids have met several kids and had time to find their way around the school, locate their classrooms and get settled in. Come Monday when regular classes begin, I think they will be much more confident now that they won't be venturing into the unknown. They've really enjoyed the week so far and I think this is a great move for them. In just a few days, I've seen them both perk up and return to being the happy, enthusiastic children I've always known.
And as for me? Well, I've been keeping myself plenty busy. After dropping them off on Monday, I headed home, jumped on the treadmill, showered and headed off to a meeting for the facilitators of the Esther Bible study. That ended just in time for me to dash back to school and get the kids. Collected everyone, rejoiced that the day went so well, and came home to make dinner and clean. Laundry, can I just say, is the bane of my exisitence these days. Normally, I don't mind (too much) that I don't have a dryer and have to hang my clothes to dry. However, the temps have been so low lately that things are taking forever to dry. Like a couple of days. And when I have loads and loads of laundry to do, that just doesn't cut it. It's dragging out and driving me crazy.
But I digress.
Tuesday I dropped them off and headed straight to my very first Women's Ministry Leadership Team meeting. I've taken on the position of co-leader for Women's Bible Studies. Following the meeting, I had to get to school to pick up Emily (who only had a half day). Got her, ran to the store to get snacks and goodies for later, ran home, ate lunch, cleaned a little more and then it was time to go get Daniel. Got him and came home and cleaned like a maniac. We were hosting a meeting here in our home last night for the kids who are going on a mission trip to Jordan in April.
In a move I am quite proud of, I gave myself a break and didn't force myself to bake the cake I had planned on making for the meeting. I realized that chips and salsa would be just as good and take way less time and create way less stress for me. I whipped up some hummous, cut some veggies and put out bowls of chips and M&M's and I was done.
The meeting went well. I think there are about 15 kids going and they will be meeting bi-weekly until Spring Break in April. I loved listening to them pray and sing worship songs!! I really love our youth leaders! While that was going on, Daniel and I were packing him up for his campout.
Then today, I dropped off the kids and needed to head straight to Bible Study. Of course, as I got out of the car to help Daniel get his gear, he says, "I don't think I packed my sweatshirt, Mom." (That would be the one that I handed to him and said, "Put this in your bag.")
My response was not something I am proud of.
Now, yes, I live in the desert. And I know that last summer I was complaining mightily about the heat. But, y'all, it's pretty cold here these days. Not ValleyGirl cold, but cold enough to really need more than a polo shirt if you are going to overnight on the beach. So, good mom that I am, I ran home, grabbed the sweatshirt and drove it back to him, wandered through the school looking for him, got yelled at by the guard for parking in the wrong place (hello, it's a dirt parking lot - you want perfection put in some lines!!), and finally headed off to Bible study.
Don't you just love going to Bible study when the Spirit of God is just all over your morning?!?!?!
That was sarcasm there, folks. But God is good and it was an amazing lesson. Some of the things I'll be sharing with you sometime soon here are:
Esther has SOOOO much to teach us, ladies!!
Well, I've got about an hour before I have to go pick up Emily. We are going to have some mother/daughter time and hit the mall together since Daniel is on his campout. So, I'm going to go, um...take a nap! Yeah, that's what I'll do!! These early mornings aren't agreeing with me very well. I'm so used to waking up naturally, around 7:30. 5:45 is just not working for me!!!!
First there were the school supplies to buy. Going by the school-supplied list, we hit store after store trying to round everything up. When it was all said and done, we had more than two laundry baskets full of stuff and our wallets were quite a bit lighter!
Then there were the last minute academic things to stress with them, the emotional and social "tips," the lectures about choosing friends wisely and standing true to the values they hold.
On Sunday we went in and met with the middle school counselors to work out the kids' schedules. They've got some great classes on their schedules and are looking forward to beginning classes next week.
This week, however, is a whole other matter. This week has been like going to camp almost! Emily's group is working on a photography project and has been going all over Doha - the zoo, a boat ride, the souq (a traditional Arab market), museums, etc. Daniel's group has been doing "culture-building." They are divided into teams and each team is creating a culture from scratch - complete with music, religion, art, daily life, etc. Today I dropped him off for the culmination of the week, an overnight campout on the beach. He was so excited!!
Both kids have met several kids and had time to find their way around the school, locate their classrooms and get settled in. Come Monday when regular classes begin, I think they will be much more confident now that they won't be venturing into the unknown. They've really enjoyed the week so far and I think this is a great move for them. In just a few days, I've seen them both perk up and return to being the happy, enthusiastic children I've always known.
And as for me? Well, I've been keeping myself plenty busy. After dropping them off on Monday, I headed home, jumped on the treadmill, showered and headed off to a meeting for the facilitators of the Esther Bible study. That ended just in time for me to dash back to school and get the kids. Collected everyone, rejoiced that the day went so well, and came home to make dinner and clean. Laundry, can I just say, is the bane of my exisitence these days. Normally, I don't mind (too much) that I don't have a dryer and have to hang my clothes to dry. However, the temps have been so low lately that things are taking forever to dry. Like a couple of days. And when I have loads and loads of laundry to do, that just doesn't cut it. It's dragging out and driving me crazy.
But I digress.
Tuesday I dropped them off and headed straight to my very first Women's Ministry Leadership Team meeting. I've taken on the position of co-leader for Women's Bible Studies. Following the meeting, I had to get to school to pick up Emily (who only had a half day). Got her, ran to the store to get snacks and goodies for later, ran home, ate lunch, cleaned a little more and then it was time to go get Daniel. Got him and came home and cleaned like a maniac. We were hosting a meeting here in our home last night for the kids who are going on a mission trip to Jordan in April.
In a move I am quite proud of, I gave myself a break and didn't force myself to bake the cake I had planned on making for the meeting. I realized that chips and salsa would be just as good and take way less time and create way less stress for me. I whipped up some hummous, cut some veggies and put out bowls of chips and M&M's and I was done.
The meeting went well. I think there are about 15 kids going and they will be meeting bi-weekly until Spring Break in April. I loved listening to them pray and sing worship songs!! I really love our youth leaders! While that was going on, Daniel and I were packing him up for his campout.
Then today, I dropped off the kids and needed to head straight to Bible Study. Of course, as I got out of the car to help Daniel get his gear, he says, "I don't think I packed my sweatshirt, Mom." (That would be the one that I handed to him and said, "Put this in your bag.")
My response was not something I am proud of.
Now, yes, I live in the desert. And I know that last summer I was complaining mightily about the heat. But, y'all, it's pretty cold here these days. Not ValleyGirl cold, but cold enough to really need more than a polo shirt if you are going to overnight on the beach. So, good mom that I am, I ran home, grabbed the sweatshirt and drove it back to him, wandered through the school looking for him, got yelled at by the guard for parking in the wrong place (hello, it's a dirt parking lot - you want perfection put in some lines!!), and finally headed off to Bible study.
Don't you just love going to Bible study when the Spirit of God is just all over your morning?!?!?!
That was sarcasm there, folks. But God is good and it was an amazing lesson. Some of the things I'll be sharing with you sometime soon here are:
- our tendancy to compare ourselves to other women (looks, $$, status, clothes, etc.)
- our view of ourselves and how we feel about how we look
- our understanding of God's providence
Esther has SOOOO much to teach us, ladies!!
Well, I've got about an hour before I have to go pick up Emily. We are going to have some mother/daughter time and hit the mall together since Daniel is on his campout. So, I'm going to go, um...take a nap! Yeah, that's what I'll do!! These early mornings aren't agreeing with me very well. I'm so used to waking up naturally, around 7:30. 5:45 is just not working for me!!!!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
AWOL
Sorry I've been out of touch the last few days. I really want to give you all an updated on how the kids are doing now that they've started school (sneak peak: really well!!!), but the last couple of days have been extremely hectic for me and I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Tomorrow after Bible study I should have some time when I can post before I have to pick up the kids from school. (That still sounds so strange coming from my mouth!)
Just know that the silence is for good reasons. I'll give you the blow-by-blow tomorrow! Thanks for your patience!
Just know that the silence is for good reasons. I'll give you the blow-by-blow tomorrow! Thanks for your patience!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Beginning a New Chapter
This week will mark the beginning of a new phase in our lives. Our children will enter a formal "school" setting for the first time. Their feelings are mixed, which is normal, I suppose. Feelings of excitement are tinged with apprehension.
However, I think I'm having a harder time accepting this shift in our lives even more than they are. For many years, being a "homeschooling mom" has been a huge part of my identity. It was the focus of many of my waking hours, the basis of many of my friendships, and a source of both pride and frustration. Whenever I was asked what I do, my reply was always, "I'm a homeschooling mom." It's become who I am, what defines me.
So now, as we are counting down the hours until they are no longer home with me 24/7, where does that leave me? When pressed about how long we would homeschool, my answer was always a confident, "As long as we are all happy with it." I was sure we would all always be happy with homeschooling. And I think we have been.
Circumstances I never foresaw have driven this decision. I never would have imagined we would be moving to the Middle East and even when I knew it was a possibility, the viability of homeschooling here was a major consideration. I thought it would work. I prayed it would work. But it has been devastating to watch my once outgoing and happy child lose confidence and become full of insecurity. As their social circle shrank, their unhappiness grew.
And so here we are. All of us moving into a new and unknown frontier. I think the transition will be much easier on the children than on me. Once those first few frightening days are over, they will quickly make friends and begin a new life, one separate from me. And that's ok. That's great. I've never been one of those overprotective, I-must-control-every-aspect-of-my-child's-life type parents. That's not why we homeschooled. I pray that they find their paths and their joy at this school.
But for me, I think it may be a little harder. My mom is worried that I will sit home and become a hermit, depressed and lonely with nothing to do. I hardly think that will happen. I've taken on a new role as co-coordinator of women's Bible studies at our church. I'm leading one of the studies myself, Beth Moore's Esther study. I'm hoping to find more time to take care of myself - both by working out at home and by spending more time at the gym. I want to spend more time in Bible study, growing deeper in my relationship with God. I will probably need to get a full-time job at some point in the near future.
And yet with all of this to keep me busy, I still wonder who am I now that I'm not going to be homeschooling? I imagine that it's similar to what a career woman feels when she decides to stay home with her children. It's a loss of identity. I look forward to learning all that God has for me during this time of change.
I know that several of you came to this blog because of homeschooling. I'm hoping that you will stick around. I've already seen a drop in the number of subscribers, coming on the heels of my announcement that we'll be putting the kids in school. I understand that. But I hope that once all the dust settles, this blog will return to its roots - the chronicle of one woman's attempt to live a simple, quiet life in this modern, crazy world.
I hope you'll come along for the ride.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Thankful Thursday
Well, there are big doings around here this week! I got the call this morning that our children have been accepted at The American School of Doha and can begin at the start of the second semester in a week and a half!! So I have much to be thankful for.
- I'm so very relieved and thankful that they obviously passed the entrance exams. Unfortunately, the school didn't really give me any results to look at, but the very fact that they were accepted validates all that I've done with them.
- I'm thankful for bloggy friends who reminded me that there is so much more to raising children than academic teaching. I know that, I really do. But sometimes I just lose sight of that when I'm faced with someone who is strictly looking at their academic work.
- I'm thankful that I know that somehow God is going to provide the necessary finances to make it happen. It came out to be more than Hubby had been expecting (I think he assumed some of the annual fees would be halved, since they are enrolling at the half-way point of the year), so we are scrambling to make it work.
- I'm thankful to have the assurance that I do that this is the right thing for my children right now. I'm a mom who planned on homeschooling all the way through high school, so this has been a big adjustment for me. A BIG adjustment. But God has given me peace (well, most of the time I'm at peace with the decision!!! LOL!!) with this step and I know that He will a) provide the finances, b) protect my children, c) bless my children and d) enrich my children's lives.
- I'm thankful that this school is WAY better than anything we would have ever had access to in the US. The facilities are amazing, the course offerings are great, the extracurricular activities are phenomenal. I think that they are going to be very happy there.
In other news, here are some more things to be thankful for:
- My mom underwent an angiogram this past week and came through it with flying colors. She had a heart attack several years ago and has stents in her heart, so we are grateful everything is A-OK.
- I started a study of the book of Esther (thank you, Beth Moore!) yesterday. I'm facilitiating a small group and they are all such nice women. I look forward to getting to know them as we study this fascinating woman.
- I'm thankful that I saw a promo this morning on our satellite network that they will "soon" be airing the 5th season of...LOST!!!! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it!!
- I am feeling more and more at home here. That in, an of itself, is huge.
For more Thankful Thursday posts, be sure to visit Lori's Reflections, who is hosting Thankful Thursday for the next couple of weeks.
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