Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Bad, Bad Day

I try to stay pretty upbeat here. Not in an attempt to whitewash my life or to appear better than I am, just because I like to focus on the positive and be an encourager. As opposed to what I am going to be today. Totally transparent.

Sometimes I just feel like a failure in every area of my life.

As a mother, I agonize over the fact that my children can be unkind, even mean-spirited, to each other. I wonder why I haven't been able to better instill in them a sense of lovingkindness.

As a homeschooler, I am ashamed that my kids struggle in some very basic areas. Where I am going wrong? Why can't my kids be excited about learning and end up like those homeschoolers who get accepted to Yale at age 13? Why do my kids still struggle with remembering basic things unless they practice them every single day? Why aren't they better writers? Why am I so short-tempered with them when they need my help?

Why am I unable to keep my house in order. Everywhere I look there is stuff. Just random stuff that accumulates no matter how much I try to control it. I can't find things, and I get overwhelmed by all the clutter and feel like I just don't know where to start.

Why is it so impossible for me to lose weight? What is wrong with me that I make such bad and unhealthy choices, all the while knowing what a mistake it is? Knowing that my husband is so unhappy with me because of it. Knowing that it's causing me physical pain and unhealthiness. Knowing that I'd be happier if I lost it. Why do I keep myself in a pit?

I just am feeling like every area that I set out as my "domain" is in a state of disarray right now. I'm not doing a good job anywhere and I'm feeling very defeated. I'd like to just go to bed and pull the covers up around me and not think about any of it.

But that doesn't help, does it? Sigh...

Sorry to be a downer today. I just want to be real and it felt phony to sit down and try to write about something else when this is all heavy on my heart.

12 comments:

Leeann said...

(((((((((((((((((((((Lori)))))))))))))))))))))))

I promise you, every single one of your readers feels that way sometimes. Every one of us wants to be better and more Christlike, wants our children to be better and more Christlike and in the areas of weight and housekeeping, we have all felt like failures at some point or another (or currently!)

You may have shortcomings in some areas, hon, but so do we all. We are all human. You are also wildly successful in some areas. You are a good, kind, loving, well rounded person with a heart of gold.

I love ya, babe.

Mom To Six said...

Lori,

There's not one thing that you mentioned that I haven't felt. Especially how the children behave at times. I truly believe the Lord puts these "crosses" in our path to bring us closer to Him.

Think about your love for Him and the good things YOU do, you'll see what a masterpiece He created!

Blessings,

Ohilda

ValleyGirl said...

{{HUG}} Can you feel that cyber-hug? You'll be in my prayers over the next few days ~ this WILL pass. You're walkin' in the valley now, but you'll be able to appreciate the next mountaintop that much more. The one doesn't exist without the other.

Sometimes all it takes is a slight change in focus, sometimes it requires a long-term holy makeover, but either way, He is in control. He loves you. He values you. That hasn't changed.

Tracye said...

I wish I could give you a great big hug. Since I can't, here's a hug in spirit:

(((((((((((Lori)))))))))))

I appreciate your honesty and transparency. It reminds me of David, when he poured his heart out before the Lord in his times of struggling. And like David, your heart is after God. It's so obvious in the way you wrote about your shortcomings. It's all about how you wish you were doing more.

It felt like you were speaking what's in my heart, except what you wrote is much more eloquent and mature. If I were to write these things, everybody would see a lot of foot-stomping, kicking and screaming... not exactly my best.

I admire you for the choices you've made. I don't think I'd be able to homeschool my kids, much as I'd like to, or move across the world. I taught at a Christian school, and many of the kids there were just as you described. Many were much, much worse.

You are a beautiful example of the Proverbs 31 woman. You're not perfect, but who is??? From what I've seen, you're kind, loving, generous, intelligent, hard-working, and so many other wonderful things.

Don't let the devil steal your joy. He's a liar, and when he speaks, he speaks his native language: lies.

God loves you. I do, too. So many would agree.

Melissa said...

Lori, except for the homeschooling part (which I would never even attempt to do), I feel exactly as you do sometimes. What I do try to remember is that I am not responsible for everything all the time. For example, as far as the kids go, it's my responsibility to provide a safe, loving, faith-filled environment but that does not mean that none of us will make mistakes, KWIM? You are an amazing wife, mother, friend and have been such a wonderful example to me in all those areas as well as your Christian life. If you were perfect, I'm not sure I'd like you (just kidding!) Seriously, though, try not to be so hard on yourself. We love you!

Karen said...

I know exactly how you feel. Been there this week. (maybe it's the time of year?) It seems to be so easy to wear all the wrongs that are going on in our lives. (that's a woman thing.) I can tell you that these things aren't true (but I think most the time you already know that.) but I don't know if that will make you feel better at the moment. (It doesn't work for me.) I will tell you that this moment will pass. I personally respect and admire you for who you are. I enjoy your company and enjoy coming here to visit. I think you are an incredible woman, wife and mother. (and I do appreciate knowing that you are not perfect.) I'm praying for you today.

Claire said...

I could have written this post word for word, Lori. Literally.

I am exceedingly hard on myself, and it sounds like you are, as well. Not sure how to remedy that problem.

(((((Lori))))))

From an eternal perspective, all our self-flagellation is for nothing. My friend, Daja, just wrote a couple cool posts about freedom in Christ. I'm trying to take them to heart.

She's at http://www.gombojav.blogspot.com/.

stacey said...

i didn't take time to read other comments, but i bet they are all the same! that we are just like you, you are not alone, and it actually makes everyone feel better when we know others struggle the same as we do!

and we love you just the same!

Debbie said...

There will be those days! Don't forget, you just returned from a trip to the states. You're probably still getting adjusted back at home.

As far as the weight, maybe you were eating more than normal on your trip. I say, don't beat yourself up about it. Tomorrow's another day. After all, you could be on Survivor and have to eat bugs or worms. :) I was so glad to read your comments on Heart Choices when I wrote about the TV show Survivor. I think you're right; we're all alone as fans. I don't think too many of the others watch it. I also LOVE Amazing Race. Now that might be one to apply for since you still get to eat and sleep in normal places.

I'm going to be writing a post tomorrow on weight gain during the holidays. So, tune in when you have time.

But really, be good to yourself. Ask the Lord to give you His wisdom and strength for each day.

Misty said...

oh, lori, i came over to ask if you'd peek at a picture on my blog and proffer an opinion (you're still welcome to do that, but you don't have to).... but i read this and my heart resonates w/ some of the feelings you've described. i'm younger and not quite as far along in my walk as a mother/wife, etc... but i get very defeated at times, too. and i have no pat answer to make it go away or make you feel better. i just have hugs and much sympathy and an ear to listen. i think you are marvelous. i once wrote that i wanted to be like you when i'm at your age, and i still do, warts and all. so see? you can't be that bad!!! lol

runningtherace said...

It is actually a bit encouraging to hear that I'm not the only one! I'm glad that you are having a better day today.

MammaMia said...

Thanks for being so open. So much of what you said is so true in my own life. You are not alone!!!Here's a *hug*!

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