The Simple Life at Home

I'm sitting here at my computer at 1:30 in the morning. I can't sleep. I'm just too sad.

I just got word that the husband of one of my dearest friends died as a result of a plane crash in Honduras today.

They were an amazing couple - funny, hospitable, loving. Now she must go on alone.

Yes, she'll have the comfort of friends and family, as well as her God, whom she serves wholeheartedly. But she will miss Harry. She'll miss his presence, his companionship, his love.

Sadly, in the last week, I've heard of two other women I know and love whose husbands passed away this month, one to cancer and one to heart failure. I pray for all three of them that God will comfort them and wrap His loving arms around them during these dark days.

But it puts a sad post script on the series I've been doing here about respecting your husband.

None of us knows how much time we have left with our husband. It could be decades or it could be minutes. Don't let yourself fall into the mistake of merely "planning" on changing your attitude towards him if it needs done. Don't spend one more minute wasted on anger and regret and resentment.

Your husband is a precious gift from God. I know that there are times when we don't feel that way, but it's true even in those moments. Honor him and love him while you have the chance.

We made it!!! Today we reach the end of the word "respect" and finish up our series on respecting our husbands.

I know that for some of you this has been hard. Heck, it's been hard on me. It seems that as soon as you start to talk about something, that's what God suddenly tests you on, ya know? Every little thought and word I've spoken to Hubby over this time I've had to stop and think and ask myself if I'm living up to what I'm sharing here.

Often, I'm not.

Like I've said, this is a process. Much of what God does in our lives is a process. We don't always change overnight, but rather gradually as we come to know Him and to understand Him.

Anyways, let's look at today's words:

1) Trust - I cannot stress this enough. This is probably the most important word in the entire series. Without trust, you can never get to the point where you truly honor and respect your husband.

But who is your trust in? If it's in your husband, that's great, but it's not enough. He's human, just like you. He will, at some point, let you down. He will fail. He will make mistakes. Mistakes that may hurt you or, gulp, your kids.

However, if your trust is in God, the creator of the universe, you will be alright. Even when your spouse makes a mistake - something that you saw coming - God will honor you for your obedience to His command to respect your husband.

Now, I'm not saying that we jump in the car and let our husbands drive off a cliff with the kids in the backseat. Obviously, as his wife, you are called upon to give your husband godly counsel and, if you feel he is making a mistake, to appeal to him and explain your reasoning. But it must be done gently and with love.

Trusting God is really the only way you can do this whole respect thing. Because if you understand that He is ultimately sovereign over every detail of your life, that NOTHING can happen to you unless He allows it and has a plan and a purpose for it, then you know that no decision your husband makes can interfere with God's plan.

Go back and read that sentence again. And maybe a third time. Then read what Scripture says.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

So, you see, it's really all up to God in the end. Even if your husband makes mistakes, God can use them to train you and teach you. And you will have a stronger marriage for what you have gone through and because you chose to honor your husband and encourage him rather than tear him down and criticize him.

2) Transform - Do you ever watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? It's a favorite in this house. And we are always amazed as the reveal of the new home takes place. Gone is the shabby, run down, too-small place the family once called home. In its place stands a thing of beauty that, in all honesty, the family never thought they would be able to live in.

But getting there? Well, it's not easy. First the family had to admit that their home isn't all it could be. It's still their home, though right? The place holds memories. They had to ask for help and allow the show to come in. Then a crew comes in and has to completely destroy all that was there in order to make room for the new home. A lot of work goes into it.

It's like that with us. We have to step back and see if we are all that we could be? Are we living up to what the Bible has called us to be? If not, ask God to help you be that woman. Ask Him to flood into your life in such a way that He changes you from the inside out.

We have to allow God to come into our spirits and tear down all the old stuff that is not honoring to Him. We have to be willing to surrender what He wants us to surrender. Sometimes that is painful, but the end result will be a thing of beauty.

If we can allow God to change us, we can honor Him in a way that we never could if we resist and stick to what we've always known.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:2

Allowing God to renew your mind leads to doing His will. Following the ways of the world and refusing to change blocks what God wants to do in your life.

Be willing to open yourself up to God and all that He has to give you. Respecting your husband and honoring him can seem like such an old-fashioned, out-dated concept. But it's God's plan for married women. And God's plans never go out of style.

In the home stretch now of this series on respecting our husbands, today we look at some words that begin with the letter C. These words are just to be used as tools to help us remember ways to show honor and respect to the husbands God has blessed us with.

1) Consider - Always consider the impact of your choices on your husband. Will accepting that invitation allow you to still meet his needs? Will he be happy with your choice of clothing? Will you still be able to be home to spend time with him if you take that volunteer position?

While it seems old-fashioned to put your husband's needs above your own, it's actually a timeless piece of wisdom. When your husband is happy, you will be too.

2) Comfort - Is your home a place of comfort and rest for your husband? Does he look forward to coming home to the haven you have created for him? Or does he dread walking in the door, knowing he will be subject to nagging, whining and yelling?

I would encourage you to keep an eye on the clock each day. When you know he will be arriving soon, take a few minutes to prepare yourself. Pray, asking God to give you a joyful heart to see your husband. Take a few minutes to straighten up the home. Perhaps change your clothes and touch up your hair and make-up.

Make your home a place he desires to be, where he is allowed to be himself. Don't constantly correct him or nag him to get to your honey-do list. Create a "thirst" for home. He has spent the day at work where people have possibly been pestering him all day. Make your home his refuge.

3) Check - Frequently do a self-check. Refer back to the Self-Assessment we did at the beginning of the series. Check your heart...do you find yourself harboring resentment or ill feelings? Find a way to communicate your frustrations in a gentle way. Ask yourself if you are keeping your priorities in line? It's easy to slip back into old patterns, so constantly check yourself to see if you are where you want to be.

Tomorrow will be the last installment of the series. I've learned so much myself and I hope you have as well.

We are more than half-way through our series on respecting our husbands. Hang in there - we'll be through before you know it!

Today we will return to the letter "e." There are two more words that begin with e that I'd like to look at for the purposes of respecting our men.

1) Eliminate - You know what it is. I don't, but you do. You know that there is something that you do that bugs the heck out of him. Maybe it's a look you give him or a skirt you wear that he hates. Maybe it's a tone of voice you use or a television show you watch.

Remembering that our husbands are the ones we are married to, they are the ones that we are supposed to be pleasing. If we are looking to please anyone else, we are making a mistake. Maybe we want to wear something fashionable, but which our husband doesn't like. Or we want to wear our hair in the latest style, but he prefers your hair long. Maybe you want to show how smart you are in front of your friends by correcting him in public.

HE is the one whose pleasure we should be seeking. Friends and fashions will come and go, but you and your husband are supposed to be together for the rest of your lives. Do you really want to build resentment in him because you wanted to please others?

2) Enrich - There are two facets to this - enriching both yourself and your husband's life. They are somewhat intertwined, but you have to work on them separately.

First, yourself. You need to keep growing and learning. You need to have something interesting to talk to your husband about. We've all sat there with our husbands and had nothing to say. While at times that can be comforting, it's often uncomfortable. Keep your life fresh by challenging yourself to grow. Come up with a 101 in 1001 list. Take a course in something you are interested in. Read something that you can share with your husband, along the lines of an interest of his. Be willing to try new things.

Second, enrich your husband's life. Well, really, your family's life. Keep the home beautiful for them. Make it a place of rest and haven for them. Do what you can to make your husband's life better. Help him out. If he can never find his keys, designate a special place for them and when you see them laying around, put them in the right place. If he wants to spend a reasonable amount of time hanging out with his friends, encourage it. If he wants something, and you can afford it, don't give him a hard time about it.

Enrich your lives together and bring joy to your whole family.

Pennie commented on my last post that it is hard for her (and I'm sure for many, many women) to put her husband before her children. I think that is natural.

God has given us as mothers a tremendous drive to protect our children. We are meant to bond with them in a way that we don't bond with anyone else. They need us for every thing, particularly as babies.

However. . .they are not our first priority.

Of course we are to give them love, shelter, food, tenderness, support, encouragement, chauffer services, clean clothes, kisses on boo-boos and all that good stuff.

But we are supposed to make sure that our husband is taken care of first. Not, of course, to the point of neglecting our children, but certainly they can take their rightful place behind Daddy.

We have become a child-centered society. In ages past, children were not the center of the family. Joyful additions, to be sure, but not the center. They were expected to contribute to family life, to be respectful and, let's face it, to do what Mom and Dad said.

If it's a choice between making sure that your child gets to a playdate or making sure that your husband has clean clothes and a hot meal, it shouldn't be a contest.

Now, Pennie in her comment seemed to have concerns about her children being actually, physically hurt. I'm not exactly sure what you meant, Pennie, or where you are coming from, but I would never expect a woman to stay in a relationship that is abusive either to herself or her children. NEVER. In that situation, a woman must seek help for herself and for her children.

But for the vast majority of us, this is not the case. For most of us, it's simply a matter of our choices. It's easier and, yes, more enjoyable, to put our children first. We don't want to have to submit. That's the real truth.

But if we truly understood that respecting our husband will lead to so many blessings, we wouldn't hesitate.

It's simply a matter of understanding two basic things:

1) Men thrive on respect. They wither away when they feel unimportant to you. And nothing leads you down that road faster than allowing your children to consume your life. But when you restore him to his rightful place of honor, he will blossom and you (and your children) will be the beneficiaries of his newfound self-confidence.

2) We are called to respect our husbands by God. It's not a choice really. And while Titus 2 tells us to love our husbands and our children, we are told over and over again to respect our husbands and to be submissive to them. This is God's plan, not mine. And God's plan is always smarter than anything we can come up with.

So you know for the letter S there are LOTS of words we could look at today in our search for better understanding how to respect our husbands, right? Like a zillion.

Well, I'm not going to look at a zillion. I'm going to keep it down to, oh, say, 100. LOL!

No, really, we will be looking at just 5 words that can make a difference in your marriage.

1) Study - Study your husband. Know what makes him tick. What is his "love language?" That will help you greatly in knowing what is really important to him. Does he get cranky if dinner isn't ready at a certain time? Does he feel unsettled if the house is a constant wreck? Does he turn to jello when you give him a backrub? Does he need help getting organized and getting out of the house in the morning?

Find out those things that both please and displease him and try to honor them. Now I know that we won't always be able to do everything he wants, but we can make the effort.

2) Submit - Whoa! Hold on! Don't click away just yet!

I know that submission is a hard subject. I've tackled it more in depth here. But it is something that Christian wives are called to, regardless of who or what your husband is. He might be a great guy, or he might be a drunk. He might be a CEO or maybe he hasn't held a job for more than 6 months. But you can still submit, because...

When we submit, we are not putting out trust in our husbands. We are putting our trust in God.

It's that simple. When you submit to your husband, you are doing it as an act of obedience to God and His word. And He will be the one to take care of you. Now, that doesn't mean that everything is always going to turn out just the way you want it. Sometimes there are lessons that God is trying to teach our husbands, and maybe even ourselves. But you can trust that you are under the umbrella of God's protection when you choose to submit to your husband.

3) Serve - Ok, coming on the heels of submission this might be hard to take as well. But I don't mean to be a servant. I mean to serve joyfully and with love.

Remember the early days of your courtship and marriage? You LOVED to do things for your husband, I bet. Anything you could do to make life easier for him, you were there! But somehow the joy of serving each other fades away over time.

Picking up dirty socks no longer brings you a giggle about being a new wife, but now incites anger that he left them out. Again. You opt to sleep late in the morning rather than getting up and making him coffee and breakfast. You have more important things to do than help him with the bills.

If we begin to serve our husbands again, out of a heart overflowing with love, I think it will bring back some of that joy and tenderness that we used to feel.

4) Support - When your husband makes a suggestion or has an idea, what is your reaction? Do you instantly shoot him down, listing off all the reasons it won't work? Or do you encourage him, striving to find a way to make his dreams come true?

Do the latter whenever possible, ladies. Even if it is a wrong choice, you will have built him up. He will feel free to come to you, rather than withdrawing into his own shell.

If you have concerns about his goals, share them, but share them with love and compassion. Allow him to be the one to decide whether or not to pursue them. If he does, jump on board and enjoy the ride!

Several years ago, my husband decided he was going to be the next Donald Trump and, like millions of other Americans, began to invest in real estate. I was initially very skeptical and, often times critical. Eventually though, I came to my senses and saw the wedge it was putting between us. I stopped complaining and did whatever I could to help him. While we did, and still do, have one property that is a constant problem, the vast majority of his investments paid off and he was right.

5) Show - Be demonstrative with your love. Allow him no doubt about how you feel. Hold his hand, rub his back. If he's not into public displays of affection, do it at home. Send him love notes in his lunch or hide them in his wallet. Write a message to him in lipstick on his mirror. Kidnap him for a dinner out, just the two of you, to spend time talking. Tell him often how much you appreciate him - for every little thing he does.

I highly recommend The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. It will help you and your husband make sure that you express love in a way that is meaningful to each other. What you may do as a loving gesture may not even register as love to your husband and vice versa. This book will help you "fill each other's love tanks."

Tomorrow we'll have some good words to work with as we look at the letter P in respect. Be sure to come back and join in the conversation.

Here are our words for today:

1) Examine - I believe that the first step on this road is to truly examine our own hearts. Sometimes we don't even realize when we are doing something wrong, because it's become so normal to us. While I would encourage you to look at the Self-Assessment we did on Monday, this will require a deeper look into your heart and attitudes.

I know this from personal experience. I know that whenever my husband disciplines the kids, I feel that I would do it better, that he shouldn't have done or said this or that. I know that when we are not finding our way, I feel that if he would just listen to me we would be there sooner. I know that when he asks me to do something that I don't have the time (or more likely the inclination) to do, I feel that he just doesn't understand how busy I am.

All of these attitudes stem from a place of disrespect. They stem from not trusting him and assuming that I know better. Now, granted, maybe sometimes I do indeed know better. I'm not saying that men are inherently smarter than women. But I am saying that we need to learn to trust them and and allow them freedom to work, freedom to make mistakes without condemnation, freedom to be who they are.

Perhaps you disagree with your husband on child discipline. Do you remember that he is just as much a parent as you are? Even though you may stay home with that child all day, husbands often see things in our children that we overlook.

We need to examine our hearts to see if there are areas where we feel superior to our husbands or where we might, unknowingly belittle them.

2) Encourage - Once we have done this self-examination, we can move forward and begin to build up our husbands. Everyone can use more encouragement!

Sometimes our husbands are like flowers (don't tell them I said that!). Have you ever seen flowers that are wilting, but then with just a little water, come back to their full beauty? That is what encouragement can do for a person - particularly from spouse to spouse.

Encourage them in the things they do around the house. Encourage them for being good providers. Encourage them for being a good dad. Encourage them for every positive thing they do. It will inspire them to want to do more to please you.

Positive reinforcement is a much more powerful motivator than criticism. Rather than nagging at them for what they have failed to do, be it painting the bedroom or holding a job, find something good that you can praise and encourage them for and focus on that. You will probably find that he will begin to flourish under your attention.

The definition of encouragement is "the expression of approval or support." Even if you don't feel that approval or support, begin to treat him like you do. Feelings follow actions. If you begin to show him your approval of him, he will do what it takes to keep that approval.

Just a word of warning here - if you have been overly critical of your husband for some time, it may take him longer to come around and to believe your words of encouragement. There may be damage that you need to repair. Hang in there and commit to continue blessing him with the gift of encouragement. Eventually he will see that you are being genuine and come to trust your words.

Ok, now, just a warning - tomorrow I have LOTS of things to talk about, so bring your coffee or tea or whatever you want and be prepared to settle in for a good long talk!

Respecting our husbands...Where to start?

Well, because I am clearly such a brilliant scholar, I've chosen to start at the beginning.

Of the word.

Yes, nothing inspires confidence as much as someone who uses acrostics, right? Nevertheless...

Each day in this series we will look at words that begin with the letters in "Respect." It may not be the most impressive method, but I think that we can still learn some things along the way. So let's look at a few words that begin with the letter R which relate to respecting our husbands.

1) Recognize - One of the first steps in learning to truly respect and honor our husband is to recognize that it is not an option. It is something that God has called each wife to do. And, importantly, it is not based on anything our husbands do. Truly it has nothing to do with whether or not they earn our respect - it's just what we are to do regardless. Just as they are called to love us without conditions, so are we called to respect them without conditions. It's what they need in the same way that wives need to be loved.

You also must recognize that, in light of above, God's call to respect our husband doesn't mean that men are better than women or more important to them. It simply means that it's a functionary duty. Just as someone in a company has to be the one where the buck stops, for His own reasons God chose that person to be the husband and father in a family. It doesn't mean that you are any less valuable or worthy in God's eyes.

2) Resolve - Now that we know that it is our job to respect our husbands regardless of whether or not they deserve it, we must resolve to do so to the best of our abilities, regardless of the situation.

(Let me start by saying that if you are the victim of abuse, you must seek help and you DO NOT have to endure one more day like that. I am NOT in any way advocating staying in an abusive relationship. Please do not believe that God would want you to be treated that way - you are His precious child.)

Perhaps your husband has failed you, and your children, in the past. Maybe he can't hold a job or drinks too much. Maybe he hasn't lived up to your expectations in many areas. Remember that by respecting our husbands in these situations, when it's most difficult, it's not about him, it's about GOD. You are choosing to honor Him and He will bless that.

If it's simply a matter of you being a strong woman who, secretly in her heart, looks down a little at her husband (you are smarter, you are more educated, you know how to deal with the children better, etc.), please know that God looks at the heart. He knows (and believe me, so does your husband) whether or not you truly respect him. It comes across in your attitudes and looks.

Make the decision that you WILL respect your husband. Resolve to do so regardless of what's going on. This doesn't mean that you will agree with his every decision, but that you find a way to deal with it respectfully and that allows him the freedom to be the leader of the family. Even if he makes a mistake, it will give him the opportunity to grow.

Ask yourself, is it more important that you be right or that you build your marriage by respecting him? Does it really matter if you are late to that party because he wouldn't ask for directions? Or if he wears clothes that don't exactly match? And even if it is something that is important - is there a way that you can express your concern or opposing view with respect, acknowledging and even believing that he may ultimately be right?

3) Raise - Ladies, I cannot stress this enough: When you raise your husband up, he will raise you up. If we build up our husbands, they will feel so inspired to love us that we will be amazed at the results.

We get so locked into worrying about what we deserve, but if we would throw that mindset away and just focus on encouraging our husbands and building them up, many of our problems would be solved. They will be inspired to be more loving, more protective and they will gain the self-confidence that many men lack. Don't let this be a situation where you will only give as good as you get - pour out lavish love and respect for your husband. Do it without thought of what you will get back. I can almost guarantee that you will be blessed in return, but even if you aren't it will be the right thing to do.

As mothers, we teach our children to do the right thing because it's the right thing. We tell them it's not about whether or not someone is watching you or what you can get away with. We want them to have a desire to do the right thing.

Respecting your husband is the right thing.


(For more on this subject matter, I encourage you to read Fascinating Womanhood, by Helen Andelin.)

As promised, I'm back to talk a little with you about respecting our husbands.

Before I get into the actual meat of the matter, I'd like to post a self-assessment taken from The Excellent Wife, by Martha Peace. This is one of the most powerful books on being a godly wife that you will ever read. It is Scripture, through and through. Mrs. Peace does a wonderful job of illuminating Scripture and applying it to our marriages. I've lead a group of women through the book before and we enjoyed it immensely.

One woman in the group struggled greatly, believing that we were talking about being a doormat to our husbands. That couldn't be further from the truth!! While we are called by God to respect our husbands, we are also still to be strong women in our own right. It takes strength to follow this particular order, let me tell you!! Sometimes it's not easy and you have to dig down deep to be respectful, but it's worth it. I firmly believe however, that when you are doing your part (respecting him) and he is doing his part (loving you, which he will be even more motivated to do by your respect) that you can have a truly heavenly marriage.

And, please, before we start let me make perfectly clear that respecting my husband is not something I have mastered. I struggle and continue to learn and work on it. My point in this series is not to sit on my high horse and preach, but to encourage myself and anyone else who may be interested to work on this very important part of marriage. And so, without any further ado, on to the assessment.

No, no. I'm not going all Aretha Franklin on you here. But I do want to talk about respect.

Did you know that, when surveyed, most men say they would choose to live without love for the rest of their lives than live without respect? To us as women, that seems ridiculous. Who would choose respect over love?

Your husband.

This is just the way God made us. In His Word, you can clearly see that these are innate desires given by God.



This isn't just some arbitrary idea God is laying out here. It's what He, in His role as our creator, knows that we need. Men need to be respected. Women need to feel loved. Love is what comes naturally to us. But if our men don't feel respected, they won't feel loved -- regardless of what else you may try to do to communicate your love for him.

Over the next few days, I want to take a look at some of the components of respect and at some of the steps we need to take to get to the point of truly respecting our husbands. But for right now, I'll leave you with the Amplified Version of the above verse. (If you have never used an Amplified Version I highly recommend it for study purposes. It takes the verse and expands upon it, giving you a better idea of what was meant in the original language but doesn't quite translate in the same way in English. It's a great tool!)