Saturday, January 31, 2009

No Regrets - Day 2

Today's Question:

If you were certain your life as you know it would end in a few weeks, what would be your biggest regret?

Sadly, it would be the fact that I have spent so much of the last decade focusing on my weight. Being upset about it, being depressed about it, allowing it to determine what I can and cannot do; allowing it to affect my marriage, my emotions, my health, my activity level.

If I had invested all the time I spent obsessing about my weight actually doing something about it, I would be a size 0. Not that I want to be a size 0. I just want to be healthy and happy and feel good about myself. I think that I have allowed myself to become so self-defeating in my internal dialogue. I've convinced myself that I will always be this weight, that there is nothing I can do about it, that it's out of my control.

And that's simply not true. The truth is I make decisions, small ones, every day that keep me where I am. The truth is that I choose to stay how I am because it's easier than changing. Yes, losing weight would require a tremendous amount of committment and work. Yes, I would have to deny myself somethings that I like. Yes, I'd have to exercise even though I don't enjoy it.

But all that can't be as hard as this. It can't be harder than knowing my kids aren't going to have pictures of me in their childhood because I hate how I look in pictures. It can't be harder than knowing that every time my husband looks at me, there is disappointment in his eyes. It can't be harder than the shame I feel.

So I want to stop obsessing about the weight and actually start doing something about it. I KNOW all that I need to do. I know it all. Doing it is the problem. But even if I make a few choices every day that are better than the choices I've made in the past, I'll come out ahead. I'm not promising anything. I'm not going to tell myself I will work out an hour a day. I'm not saying I'm swearing off soda and snacks.

But what I want to do is when I find myself beating myself up, I want to make the conscious choice to take that time to build myself up instead.


Leeann said...

I really appreciate your honesty in this post, Lori.

I could have written it myself, except that I am not brave enough to.

Claire said...

Yeah, I'm right there with you, Lori. I am disgusted with myself. I lost 35 lbs about two years ago, and I've almost gained it all back. Now, I will only do it on my own. I won't spend one more dime of my family's money on a "program," even WW. No way.

For me, it's about stress. I was never overweight 'til I got married. It's been a stressful 18 years, I'll tell ya. I went from 145 on my wedding day, to 207 a few years ago. Brutal numbers.


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