Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Unfulfilled plans, feeling like a failure and God

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you might know that I had big plans for this time when Hubby is away. BIG plans to work on myself, to take time to take care of myself, something I've been neglecting since, I don't know, the day our first child was born probably.

I figured that without him around, I could relax and take life easy. I'd read my Bible lots more than I do, I'd walk every morning and eat healthier, I'd work on my clutter issues, etc.

Folks, it hasn't happened.

I have been truly overwhelmed with myriads of "stuff" that needs to be done and find myself even more frazzled than before he left. Yesterday was a breaking point and I found myself sobbing in the car over my failure to accomplish my goals; in fact my inability to do any of what I'm doing lately well.

I don't feel like I'm doing well in any of my areas - as a mom (I've become so short-tempered), as a teacher (we've hardly done any school in two weeks), as a wife (all those plans for an extreme makeover are out the window), as a business partner to Hubby (I'm paying bills late, not having much success with the houses, don't have time to do all he's asking).

As women I think we tend to take the weight of the world on our shoulders. We want to please everyone all the time. And, more often than not, we fail. We can't live up to what everyone expects of us. Many times those expectations are real, many times they are only our own perception.

But God doesn't want this for me. He wants me to live a life of freedom. Freedom from condemnation and guilt. Freedom from the expectations of anyone but Himself. Jesus tells us,

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matt. 11: 28-30

That describes me for the past month or so - weary and burdened. But instead of coming to Christ and allowing him to give me rest, I've tried to carry it all on myself and driven myself to the point of desperation. I've neglected my Bible reading and my prayer time. How on earth do I expect to receive God's peace if I don't go to him and ask for it or spend time in his presence?

Only through Christ can we find the true peace that we are searching for. It can never be found through accomplishments of the world or relationships with other people. These things will always fail us and at some point leave us empty. I spent a lot of time in the car yesterday and just prayed, "God, give me you. I just want to be with you and please you. I want to be filled with you." Instantly I felt the weight of the world lift of my shoulders.

We have a God who wants to bear our burdens for us. The challenge is to let him.


Karen said...

You know, part of it is perspective. I look at all you are doing and I am in complete awe of you. Okay, maybe you aren't super woman. Maybe you had some slightly unrealistic goals. But woman, look at all you are doing. You are single handedly packing up your family's life and moving overseas. Across the world. By yourself. Raising children in the midst of it. By yourself. Being alone through this when you are used to being part of a team. Yes, our Jesus promises to carry our burdens for us. And He is carrying yours. But you are doing so much. And it's not easy. I'm praying for you daily and I know many others are as well. These days will pass. Yesterday was a bump in the road. And honestly, I am in awe of you.

stacey said...

i think you made your own point well! you have had to manage a lot of stuff getting ready for the move! i think ONCE you move might be the time for YOU!

Tracy said...

I agree with Karen you have accomplished so much all by yourself. I give you a lot of credit!!


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