Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Surrender

I've been thinking about writing this post for a week or two now. It's just hard for me to write it. Hard to know how to put into words what I'm thinking and feeling. I guess the place I want to start is about 15 years ago.

I had returned a couple years earlier from working in the mission field in Austria. I was assigned to work with refugees, mainly from Eastern Europe. During my time there, I developed a real heart for Romanians and for all that they had been through during the brutal reign of Ceaucescu. When I left Austria, I always planned to either return to Austria and work with refugees again, or actually make my way to Romania to live. So when, two years later, God clearly told me that I was going to marry Hubby it was a shock to me. Don't get me wrong - I was thrilled to marry such a wonderful man and have been very happy with him for the last 15 years. But still, it meant the death of my dream.

But I knew that God's ways are always best. While I only see a tiny fragment of time, God sees the whole span of it and knows how each little strand is interwoven with each other strand. So, while it was painful, I let that dream go. Still, to this day, I get a pang in my heart whenever I hear anything about Romania.

Well, I've had another dream that I think God is telling me to let go of. If you've read through this blog, you'll know that a big goal of mine is to move out of Florida. I just don't think it's going to happen. But you know what? I think I'm ok with that. (That was really hard to write!) I can't explain it, but somehow God has made it ok with me if I have to live here in Miami for the rest of my life. I'm not happy about it, not by far. But I know that I can trust God and that makes it ok. In Jeremiah 29:11 God promises his people, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." See, if I didn't have the assurance that God knows what he's doing infinitely more than I do, I would be a mess right now.

But just like my life with Hubby has been a life of joy, even though it wasn't what I had originally planned, my life here in Florida can be that - if I allow it. If I insist on getting MY way, I can continue to live in misery and make my husband and children miserable right along with me. Or, I can choose to live a happy life, dealing with the problems and irritations of Miami as they come along, but still living joyfully in Christ and making our home a refuge from all that I hate about this place.

Now, just to clarify, moving out of Miami is not completely out of the question. We are considering other parts of Florida (any part which still seems to be part of the United States would work for me!). But I'm not going to push for my will anymore. I'll wait for God to move. Because unless he leads us somewhere, I don't want to go anyways.

There's a song that beautifully describes this death of a dream when it becomes clear it's not what God wants. It's "Surrender" by Barlow Girl. A video of the song is below, but here are the lyrics:


My hands hold safely to my dreams

Clutching tightly not one has fallen

So many years I've shaped each one

Reflecting my heart showing who I am

Now you're asking me to show

What I'm holding oh so tightly

Can't open my hands can't let go

Does it matter?Should I show you?Can't you let me go?


Surrender, surrender you whisper gently

You say I will be free

I know but can't you see?

My dreams are me. My dreams are me


You say you have a plan for me

And that you want the best for my life

Told me the world had yet to see

What you can do with one

That's committed to Your calling

I know of course what I should do

That I can't hold these dreams forever

If I give them now to You

Will You take them away forever?

Or can I dream again?

4 comments:

Mylinda said...

I know exactly how you feel about your dreams. After ALL my family moved to NC, and Nicky eluded to the fact that we might not be too far behind, I got it into my head that we were moving...soon. After a few years, I was miserable and so was everyone around me. I was tired of being miserable, so I prayed that God would either move us...now or that I would become content. After a few months, I realized one day that I was actually content. Happy? No. I still wanted to live in the country; I still do, but at least I know I'm in God's will, which is the ONLY place to be. He's using me here and I take comfort in that. Also, I can't believe your hit counter is over 500!!! Mine is, too, but just barely and I've been blogging so much longer. I'm sooo jealous! I guess you're just more entertaining than me. lol

Leeann said...

Lori,

that was a hard post to read so I can only imagine how hard it was to write. I am awed by your honest and by your love for God and Ib. I would love to say that I am right there with you but I am so NOT. I am a scrappy little fighter chick and surrendering at all is a very difficult concept for me to grasp.

Leeann

Anonymous said...

Lori, I admire how deep and strong your faith is. I don't know that I could be so open to the idea that I may never get something I really want. But you have opened me to the idea that it's okay. That's given me a lot to think about.
Melissa

On Fire For Him said...

This was a good post. Hard for me, because I am walking through similar circumstances right now. Not about moving, but about my dreams and not being satisfied with my life and desperately wanting to be. I cried out to God yesterday begging Him to be satisfied with my life, just the way it is.

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