Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Spinning Plates

Balance is something I've always struggled with. Lately it seems that struggle has been rearing its ugly head more and more.

Now that my children are in school, I really want to be involved. PTA, Parent Advisory Forum, Booster Club - the opportunities abound. I feel so disconnected from my kids and I want to be part of what they do all day. Not just for my own selfish reasons, but to make sure that they are getting the best. The best education, the best opportunities, the best life.

I'm also struggling with trying to keep up with the house. I thought once my kids were in school, I would have all this time to clean house. I pictured myself like June Cleaver, in dress, heels and pearls, baking fresh cookies and welcoming my kids home to a sparkling clean house with dinner in the oven. Somehow that hasn't happened.

I find myself getting more and more involved in church, which is a good thing. Besides teaching Sunday school on a monthly basis, I'm also a weekly volunteer in the youth group, facilitate a women's Bible study each week (which necessitates another weekly meeting to prep), and am co-leader of Bible Studies for the Women's Ministry Leadership Team. While I love all of it, I'm wondering if (and my husband is certain that) I've gotten too involved, too fast.

And then there is the issue of caring for myself. I keep saying that I'm going to do it, but I always put myself on the back burner. I'm exercising, but not as much as I would like too. And I am still putting off that visit to the doctor. I just want to make everything great for my family and feel selfish taking that time for myself when I know that the house is a mess, nothing's planned for dinner, laundry is piling up, and kids need help with their homework.

To add to all that, I know that I need to get a job to help pay for the kids' schooling. Even though I just need something part time, the thought of adding one more thing to my life terrifies me.

So here I am, like the sideshow of a circus trying to keep all my plates spinning, knowing that at any minute one is going to go careening off its pole and to the ground. As I type this, it's obvious to me what my problem is. I'm not giving any of this to God. In my own strength, I am so weak, unable to keep those plates spinning for more than a short time.

If I could just come to God every day, offering up my time and my energy and submitting to His will and plan for my day, I would have peace and balance. I would know my priorities - and they'd be the right ones, because they would be His priorities. We are promised in Scripture that we can do all things in Christ. We are told that He gives us strength and helps us to not grow weary. Well, let me tell you, I am weary.

Weary from struggling to be perfect. Weary from kicking myself for my faults and failures. Weary from trying to be all things to all people. Even though I've been getting more sleep lately than I have in years, I'm more tired than I've ever been.

So from now on I want to drop all the plates. I want to ask Him to give me only what He wants me to carry. Some of the things I mentioned above I've already decided that I will have to let go of. Others I may or may not. But it's not really the amount of things I'm doing that's the issue.

It's Who I'm doing them with.


Tracye said...

That's hard.

I think you have the right mind set, though. Just give it all to God, and let Him give back what He wants you to accomplish.

Still thinking about and praying for you.

Leeann said...

You wrote:

"Even though I've been getting more sleep lately than I have in years, I'm more tired than I've ever been."


Bless your heart. You definitely sound overwhelmed. Trust me, we have all been there. You have been through so many changes and you are still learning what needs to be on and off your plate to calibrate your scale.

Love and hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

The timing of this post was so perfect for me. This is how I'm feeling today, although not to the degree you are. I keep wondering how I can find myself back in the same place I got out of. You are not walking this walk alone.

stacey said...

Let a few plates break! It might feel good!

Nancy M. said...

You are involved in a whole lot.

It is hard to remember sometimes to ask for His help in all things. I hope you can see clearly what He wants you to do.


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